Miriam Adahan, author, lecturer and renowned psychotherapist, is famous throughout the Jewish world for her sensitive advice and her highly effective EMETT system for coping with life's crises. In Calm Down, Mrs. Adahan teaches us how to let go of negative behavior patterns in order to enrich our lives. Designed for convenience and economy, this is the perfect pocket friend.
Read an excerpt Pocket Hardcover 256 pp.

We all know the folly of criticism. We all know that it doesn’t work - or, if it does seem to work momentarily, it creates a backlash of resentment and future resistance. Yet most people have a strong desire to change others through criticism. They often justify this destructive habit on the grounds that they are being helpful and that they are doing something others. When they see that it’s not working, they keep hoping that next time it will work, or they assume that they simply haven’t tried often enough or with enough force. Most of us deny or rationalize the pain we cause others when we point out their deficiencies or mistakes.

To overcome this habit takes great self-discipline and awareness. The first step requires an understanding as to why we are so prone to intolerance and judgmentalness, whether spoken or silent:

We do not like to feel that we are ultimately alone in this world, that no other human being can totally share our reality. We want to make others be like us so that we will not experience that aloneness.

We do not like to feel that we are ultimately powerless over everything but our own thoughts and muscles (i.e., speech and deed). We want to play God; actually, we want to improve on God’s ways. Unlike God, who has provided us with a set of moral standards and then leaves it up to us to abide by them or not, we would like to deny others their freedom of choice. Obviously, when an individual is being destructive or abusive, he must be restrained. But the rest of humanity have the right to make their own choices as to how to behave.
We want to feel that we are superior, that we are closer to God than everyone else, that we are, in a sense, Daddy’s (i.e., God’s) favorite, thereby deserving of special treatment and honor. The need to feel superior is in direct proportion to the feelings of in adequacy and failure, whether conscious or not.

When we first try to stop the “critical habit,” we may feel terribly helpless, sad, even grieved. Suddenly, it hits us: “Oh, no – I’m stuck with this mate/child/parent. He may never be as thin, prompt, orderly, honest, thrifty, generous, thoughtful, helpful, and cooperative as I want him to be. "When we give up the passion to force our will on others, we accept our ultimate existential aloneness and powerlessness.

However, what follows is a third stage of greater understanding of others’ imperfections, which is the basis for mature love. This is the reward we get for giving up our childlike belief in our own omnipotence and gaining a mature acceptance of our limitations.

This does not mean that we give up on mankind. We can, and often should, let others know how we feel about their behavior and what improvements we would like to see. But we do it from a position of love and humility, without the damaging, coercive force and hatred that usually accompany the desperate desire to make people change.

The fourth stage is a recognition of our own need for growth. When we stop trying to fix others’ imperfections, we have time to work on ourselves. We can only weed our own gardens; we cannot make others weed theirs. We can offer help and equipment, but we can’t work their fingers for them. People are going to be mean, impolite, prejudiced, sloppy, thoughtless, stingy, dishonest, selfish, narrow-minded, wasteful, and lazy. We can disconnect emotionally or physically or, if necessary, have them restrained. But we cannot make them be anything other than what they want to be. It’s their choice.

One of the delightful paradoxes many EMETT members have noticed is that when they let go of their demands on others and focus on improving their own standards, those around them often spontaneously become more helpful and communicative, or whatever else it is that they had been unable to obtain through threats, nagging, preaching, and other manifestations of verbal abuse, or even physical violence.

It is not easy to bite one’s tongue when the passion to dominate other people's lives is strong. There is a very thin line between healthy concern and involvement, as opposed to domination. We must be careful not to justify coercion in the name of “helpfulness.” We might get in the habit of asking, “Would you like some advice?” “Would you like me to help you work on that problem?” If we meet resistance, we had better back off, or we will probably end up reinforcing the very behavior we are trying to change.

Positive reinforcement, non-hostile assertiveness, and patient detachment are far more effective than all our criticism. To be the object of someone’s criticism – especially if it is constant and from a member of one’s own household – is to live in a literal hell. It is like being stabbed over and over. To be the perpetrator of such abuse is to deny others what is most wanted by all of us: to be appreciated, respected, and loved